Father’s Day Hope for Daddyless Daughters
Father’s Day is upon us and sometimes that’s not the best day for daddyless daughters.
I don’t remember living with my father; my parents divorced when I was a toddler. My dad wasn’t an absentee father, but there were no “Wednesdays and every other weekend” arrangements that are commonplace today. Mom had sole custody and my dad visited on sporadic occasions.
With a working, single mom at the helm, I grew up with too much liberty and too little leadership.
While I reveled in the freedom of a near parent-less existence, that same freedom fostered the notion that I could manage life on my own.
Feeling like an adult, I left my childhood home at the age of 15.
I had no idea I was operating with a little girl’s heart whose first love left nothing but scars of rejection, fear of abandonment and a gaping hole that longed to be filled.
Unknowingly, I hunted after people, possessions, and positions to quiet my soul. But the hole in my heart prevailed over any successes I captured.
It wasn’t long before I found myself divorced with two children, and on a therapist’s couch, did I learn that life as a daddyless daughter had been writing an indelible story on my heart.
Forging behaviors and habits that would be hard to erase. And forever shaping the motivation behind my actions.
Let me share what I learned on that couch. (These behaviors can also exist in women with physically present, but emotionally absent fathers.)
The fallout of the Fatherless:
• Rejected from day one, we fear abandonment. We may guard our hearts tightly, not allowing ourselves to be too emotionally invested in our relationships.
• We can mistake longing for love so we try harder and give more than we get in return. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, we subconsciously set ourselves up for the disappointment we are certain will come our way.
• We look for love in all the wrong places. Often seeking emotionally unavailable or older men.
• We’re uncomfortable relying on others because we navigated life and love on our own from a young age.
• We are generally people-pleasers. We can even compromise our moral code in order to be accepted and loved by others.
This was me! I had many, if not all of these symptoms. But, I masked my imperfections and continued to seek love only to be hurt by it.
Fortunately, as a young adult, I was able to spend some quality time with my father.
But, just when I was getting to know him and make up for lost time, he would be snatched from my heart once again.
My father died very young … We never had the opportunity to finish “catching up”.
I didn’t get to walk down the aisle with my arm locked in his, trusting him to support my shaking legs. And my children will never know his calm demeanor and amazing wit.
With his death, I was taken back to that place of rejection, abandonment, and longing.
The pitfalls of being a daddyless daughter plagued me even when I became a Christ-follower.
My fierce independence and guarded heart made it difficult to trust God.
To let Him in. To believe He truly loved me.
But one day, He stepped into my little girl heart in a very big way.
During a particularly sad evening missing my daddy, I snuggled up in my cozy chair, with my cozy covers, to spend time with God. I was burdened with the reality that although my head knew my father loved me, my heart never felt loved. Worse … any opportunity to change that had vanished.
And so I questioned God. Questioned whether He truly loved me. And if I could I trust His love would not fail me.
My eyes flooded as I poured out my wounded heart into God’s open hands.
I told Him about the empty space in my heart. I pleaded with Him to please show me that He loved me. That I was important to Him. That I could trust Him with my heart. “God, do you love me?” I cried out.
With my good cry out of the way, I picked up my Bible and settled in. My eyes landed on this passage…
“What is the price of five sparrows? A couple of pennies? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7
I let my heart linger there a while.
The words gripping me. Holding me in a new place of assurance I had never known. The floodgates opened once more. Joy and renewal washed over me. That gaping hole was filled.
The hurting little girl inside allowed God to pick her up and be held in her Father’s arms for the very first time.
Since that April night ten years ago, I’ve never again questioned God’s love for me. Oh, I’ve questioned why He puts me where He does and why He asks me to do the things He does, but I’ve never felt unloved. Even as a single woman.
God loves us more.
More than any earthly father. More than our spouse, children, and friends.
You can count on that truth. And that truth can dust away any lingering rejection or abandonment you may have parked on a shelf in the hollows of your heart.
He has not forgotten you no matter where you are on your journey! Pray that verse over yourself and believe it.
He even cares about the sparrows, but you are so much more than that to Him.
Ponder:
Father’s Day is one of the most painful days for us daddyless daughters. Won’t you let Him end that for you this year? Ask God to clear this up for you once and for all. He will be faithful to do so. He wants to hold your heart safely in His hands.
If you have experience as a daddyless daughter, please share your journey with us in the comment section. We grow when we share.
Practice:
A Truth: “How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” Psalm 36:7
A Song: Good Good Father, by Chris Tomlin (Click to listen)
A Read: Daddy, Do You Love Me by Ariel Allison & Shelby Rawson
A Prayer: Father, thank you for loving me more. I want to be overwhelmed by your love. Remind me daily, that the proof of your love is the price that you paid. Let the tears I cry as I long for my earthly father be replaced with the assurance of your love. Hold me, Father, forever. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Here’s where I’m sharing my post.
Father’s Day Hope for Daddyless Daughters
Wow! Thank you for opening your heart and giving us a glimpse into your growth as a daddyless daughter, Pam. What a woman of God you have grown into over the years. Your life is a walking testimony of His love. Thank you for sharing your story sweet friend. May God continue to use you for His glory. Have a wonderful weekend and may God bless you and yours.
My dad is still here … but he’s also not. His physical body is here, but a disease has stolen his speech and continues to take little bits of him as the disease progresses on. I’ve had my last conversation with him, but at the same time he’s still here. I find myself grieving over trying to renew a relationship that can never be renewed. it’s a weird kind of limbo to be in, so in a a way I’m daddyless, but yet I’m not. strange feelings but your blog was a good place for me to land today. thank you.
Such a challenging place you’re navigating right now, Karen. It reminds me of my grandfather as he struggled with Alzheimer’s. He was physically present, but as time went on he became more and more distant. In essence, the relating part of the relationship was over, but we faithfully went to see him nearly every week. We were in limbo as well. It seemed like we felt bad when we went to see him, but we also felt bad if we didn’t. This is such a broken world and I’m so grateful this is not our home. One day it will be as originally designed and none of us will be in limbo anymore. So glad you found this was a good place for you to land!
I am thankful to have had a loving father, though he’s been gone over 20 yrs. now and I miss him. But I know he is with Jesus and at peace. I’m so sorry for the hard life you have had, but I’m also very happy that you have found the love of God. He is the father who will never leave and never stop loving us. Thank you for sharing your story. Blessings to you! I’m y our neighbor at #ThreeWordWednesday.
Yes, He’s a good, good, father! He has worked both our journey’s into good. Thanks for stopping by.
Sister!!! Did you ever write the story of my life? Including the two children (not married though) and my dad passing (when I was 2). It’s the same roadmap. It’s the same feelings. It’s the same God who loves us through all of it. Hallelujah. Thank you for linking up to Open Mic Monday at Cisneros Cafe. You’ve blessed me with this post and struck a nerve in my heart. Keep writing, sweet writing sister. Have a blessed week.
Hello, my Compel friend. Thank you for the encouraging words. So grateful for the opportunity to linkup on Open Mic with you!
This is such an interesting and emotional perceptive on Father’s Day. So much that we never think about and never address about our relationship with our father’s and our Father. Thank you for being so raw, real and sharing this with us.
Thank you so much for this post.I never knew my dad.He died 3 months before I was born.And yes I have struggled to let God in.I love Him so much but I have that wounded guarded heart that hides from Him.But He has called me this year to let Him “see” me.So I am so glad you shared this as I felt bad about the fact that I find it so difficult to trust that He loves me.and often I cry out to Him…”Daddy do you love me?”
Oh Pauline, thank you so much for sharing this. He LOVES you! He proves His love by the price He paid. Keep talking to Him…He will fill your heart. We will always have an ache for our earthly fathers, but it won’t consume us or control us. Peace in your journey. I hope your found encouragement here. xoxo
Thank you for your honest and encouraging words, Pam. Visiting from FMF, and those verses are such a great reminder to of God’s love for me!
Hi Kat, and thanks for stopping by. I only recently discovered FMF and have enjoyed the other bloggers there. So glad you were encouraged today.
Beautiful encouragement, Pam. I’ve sent it to a friend of mine to encourage her heart today. It speaks to me too. I have a loving Dad, but a Dad who has also always led a busy life of ministry. My Mum was the one who pursued us kids in love and she passed away two years ago. Oh how we all miss her now. But God has also been showing me that He is our Restorer. He’s been pressing into the missing and empty places of my heart until I admit they’re there, so that I can let His Truth into them.
Anna, so glad you got something out of this and shared it with a friend. Much growth and many blessings come out of our pain when we turn it over to Him. He can fill every empty space in our hearts, no matter the reason that caused the hole. So sorry about the loss of your mom; I know that is difficult. But as you say, He will restore us all one glorious day! Blessings to you in your journey.
Pam,
So beautifully and powerfully written. It connected to my heart on so many levels and I’m sure to the heart of many women. Your writing and your ministry is such a blessing. Thank you for sharing this hope on what is a very tough day for many with me at Moments of Hope.
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your encouraging words. I pray others are encouraged today as well.
Hi Pam, I am so touched reading this! What a world! What a struggle…It is Well.
Thank you so much for being an encouragement to many.
There were so many ahh!, Ohh!, why! moments while reading.
Blessings to you
Thank you for your kind words, Ifeoma!
My mother divorced when I was three. I saw my dad once. Then I got married @ 16 & wrote him, was going to see him. He bought tickets for me & my daughter to fly to Denver, on a Sunday, but he had a major heart attack on Wednesday prior & died, so we went to his funeral with my grandparents. I divorced an abusive husband & married in succession 2 husbands both of which were 16 years older than me. I guess I’m your classic case ! The people pleasing part is right on also at least in the past. 20 years ago I met my current husband who is a wonderful Christian man. He, by the way is 7 years younger than me. He helped me find my way back to God. I had spent a lot of time as a little girl with a Grandmother who truly loved Jesus. Slowly & with a lot of love & patience , I am at a place where I know God loves me. When I hear women talk about being their daddy’s girl, I still have a place that hurts but nothing like before. I know God is my Father. My Abba Father.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Nancy. I can still feel the hurt, but it’s not near as bad. Your story is incredible. I bet your Grandmother prayed for you over and over again. What a blessing! Hope she was able to see her prayers were answered by our faithful Father.
Pam,
Your words are powerful and emotional, touching chords that are common among many, even those with different factual circumstances. Prayers for you this weekend! The love of our Heavenly Father indeed fills many holes in our gaping hearts:)
Thank you for your support and prayers, Monica!
Wow Pam! What a beautiful, heartfelt, and encouraging post. Thank you for the courage to share your heart . I am inspired to read how our heavenly Father wrapped you in His arms to remind you that He will always be there for you! I know this will bless and encourage so many. I want to share this to help those who had or may have similar feelings. God will continue to bless as you seek to glorify Him. Blessings to you and yours my friend!
Horace, you are a blessing to me. Thank you so much for sharing. Some of these are tough to write, but the process turned out to be for our good and His glory!
Wow, as I read this I discovered that I had those same feelings or better put the mirror image of them. My mother wasn’t there for me. It wasn’t a physical absence it would have been better if that had been the case. She trafficked me to her brother and his friends. It left me with a hole in my being which you captured.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Richard. Sadly, it is the same for men with absentee mothers. Moms are a boy’s first love, just as Dads are a girl’s. Both hearts give fully and completely in the beginning. Then the hurt takes over and we develop behaviors to stop the hurt and to seek replacements. It can be a bad cycle, but God can fill all the voids in our lives. One heavenly father can make up for any parent’s failings. Praying for you. For healing, peace and love. To be held by God will point you on the right path to recovery.
Pam, thank you for sharing your heart in such a transparently poignant way.
What Glory you bring to God by telling your story of how His amazing love brought healing to your life.
Thank you for the kind words, Karen!
Pam,
Thanks for sharing. I’ve now realized my insecurities stem from an emotionally absent father. I’m greatlful I can emotionally connect with my Heavenly Father.
Hello, my sweet friend! We are so blessed He calls us His children. Miss you!
Pam, as I was reading your post, my current favorit song kept playing through my head…”You’re a good, good Father, it’s who you are…and I’m loved by you.” A message I too cling to! Thanks for this encouragement friend!
Great song indeed!
We have a lot in common, Pam. My parents divorced when I was very young, and while my dad tried he was unequipped to be someone’s parent. I can truly see that those people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies were born out of trying to control life and keep everything just so. It’s taken a lot of years to grasp God’s grace as my own and know that indeed, He loves us more – He loves us always, no matter what. Thank you for sharing your story, and inviting us to share ours. Blessed to visit from #tellhisstory today.
I have the perfectionist symptom, too. In fact, it sometimes leads to writer’s block. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. Grace is so hard to fathom for us sometimes. I’m so glad you captured it as your own!
Such sweet encouragement here, Pam. What a good, good Father He is to us all, and I know this post will be salve on many wounded hearts. Thank you for being part of our community at Grace & Truth!
Thank you, Jennifer. I hope He moves in many lives this Father’s Day.
This is powerful!
Thanks, Suzie. So grateful He can turn our pain into power, and use it for our good!
Pam, thank you for sharing this post. I never knew my biological father until 4 years ago, but 25 years ago my mother married a man who has become more of a father to me than anyone. God also brought me to a place last year where when I thought I had been all alone I realized I never was – He’s always been there with me and He’s the Father I’ve always needed. God Bless.
There are so many of us who grew up daddyless. It is a sad testament to how broken this world is. But, a great reminder that this is NOT our home!
What a lovely, truth-filled post. I’m sharing it today. May your Heavenly Father show His presence to you in mighty ways today!
Your kind words of encouragement is my blessing today! Thank you for sharing.
Hi Pam,
Your words ring true to my heart. Thank you for this encouraging post!
Blessings,
Julie